What Grieving People Wish You Knew
Brief Review & Recommendation (Review from December 2016).
I feel the need to say, if you are recently bereaved this might not be the best book for you to read. Having said that, what you will discover is the number of times you will say ‘yup, that happened to me’ or ‘yes, someone said that or did or didn’t do that’. It’s kind of helpful in the sense that what is happening to you is normal. Unpleasant, but normal. And, if you haven’t discovered it already, you will find out that everyone is different, while at the same time experiencing many commonalities. I felt the need to guard my heart against becoming bitter towards well-meaning people that quite frankly for the most part just do not and cannot understand what you are going through. You may need to do the same. Towards the end of the book Nancy does speak to the grieving. She says some hard truths but by the time you get to that section by God’s grace you may already have come to the same conclusions.
Who is it for then?
This book is for everyone to read. As I’ve already said above, those who are grieving or have ever grieved will find a resonance here. But if you would be a friend indeed to the grieving then get hold of a copy of this book. Ministers, elders, deacons or anyone that wants to be a true comforter should read this. It’s an emotionally draining read to see so much distress and heartache laid bare. But it’s a necessary read. I’ve said in a previous blog post that though people mean well this book will help us all do better. This book probably isn’t the definitive book on grieving but even so it should be on all our reading lists. Death is going to be visited on us all and our families sooner or later, timely and untimely.
Most of the books I have read emphasise that we are all different. Nancy does the same, mostly by way of many personal anecdotes. One size does not fit all. A persons grief is peculiar to them and depends on so many factors. I could say I understand something of what grief is but I don’t know what the grief of others feels like. Sure, there are similarities but then our experiences can be very diverse. I made an assumption a while ago using my feelings as the arbiter, but was told their relationship with their departed had not been an especially close one. That brings its own difficulties. So don’t assume and don’t impose your feelings on another. A dear friend phoned me up and said ‘I understand how you must be feeling’ but then said ‘that’s bullshit, I have no idea what you are feeling’. That sort of honesty was unbelievably helpful. But that was from someone that knows me well. Another might have found it extremely unhelpful.
I’m saying all this to emphasise how complicated we humans are. But I cannot recommend this book highly enough. It won’t turn us into experts and even armed with all this knowledge isn’t going to make the task of comforting any easier, but it could turn us into better comforters. Some of the things that have been said to me over the last several months have ranged from just wanting to be ‘beamed up’ out of the situation to just being completely dumbfounded and everything in between. People can unintentionally say the most hurtful things that under other circumstances probably wouldn’t register.
The stories in this book are tragic but a common thread is that many have been ‘comforted’ by well-meaning people. Passages of scripture in the wrong hands are simply weaponised texts that unbeknown to the comforter simply beat the grieving person. You will detect in this piece some anger & frustration. I’ve said it before but I can only pray by the grace of God and having His love spread abroad in my heart I will be a true comforter. It’s not easy for me either.
For me, the most significant and hardest thing to accept and deal with is how this hard providence is sent by God Himself for my good. Nancy puts it this way on page 116; ‘They need to discover the treasure that has come to them wrapped in a package they never wanted’. Just understanding this will help us be true comforters.
I admit that a re-read is needed.
1. What to Say (and What Not to Say)
2. Typical Things People Say (and What You Can Say Instead)
3. Assumptions We Make That Keep Us Away (and Why We Should Simply Show Up)
4. What to Do (and What Not to Do)
5. Social Media and Grief (When the “Like” Button Just Seems Wrong)
6. Let’s Talk about Talking about Heaven (and Hell)
7. A Few Quick Questions (and Answers)
GET A COPY OF THIS BOOK AND READ IT!
- I found this in my ‘Drafts’ folder. I thought I’d published it over two years ago. The grief was still quite raw when I wrote this, but I make no apologies for not changing it. You might be in the same place right now. If you are, I pray this will be of some help.